in memoriam • the red bow network

H.N. June 1994 - October 2016

The second friend I made in college after my roommate. We became a unit of three in 2012-2014, after she complimented my roommate's Gorillaz shirt. Even when the two of them dated, it was still the three of us (and the four of us, at a time). She was the poetry to my fiction and my roommate's nonfiction; a massive BBC Sherlock fan, Johnlock truther and Cumberbitch (unironically); loved falafel and fiction about lobotomies, and used to live in Singapore. In college, she was the only one who liked boba as much as I did.

Her birthday was a week before mine. Our friendship was a bit weird at times, because of the struggles I was having with my mental health, and her already overcoming her own struggles before she graduated high school. She always told my roommate to stop smoking cigarettes but picked up the habit from her; stole our glasses all the time because she had perfect vision, and thought leg tattoos were ugly. She was named after a comet, because of course she was. She saw me through one of the worst periods of my life and tried to help me as best as she could.

Her mother had been going through some health issues the last time we spoke. As my social and living situations continued to change, we began to grow apart. I didn't tell her I'd be dropping out the summer I did, in 2015. She got diagnosed with leukemia that fall, and passed away a year later, in October 2016.

A.M. 1991 - 13 June 2008

The junior who sat next to me in Algebra II. I was the only middle schooler in the class; she was a high school junior and a jock, impressed by my consistent ability to get high grades (as pressured by my mom). She liked showing off if she got a better score than me, which I found endearing. I knew she wasn't malicious because she and her friend D. would frequently make conversation with me as well. When we had group projects they'd often offer to be in my group, because I didn't really talk to anyone else, and I didn't mind helping them understand the concepts either.

I didn't think much of our relationship at the time, because I only knew her for the school year. My last birthday party of middle school was to be the eve of the day of my birthday. One of my friends told us the news of her death, but her name hadn't registered to me because my friendship with her was in a completely different world—high school when I wasn't in high school yet, my Algebra II class of kids older than me. These were my middle school friends, and I didn't think much of it at the time.

One of the most difficult parts about this memory is that this birthday party is probably the best party I hosted as a kid - not having that realization yet made me blissfully unaware and happy as I celebrated another rotation around the sun. It wasn't until after the party was over, the evening of my actual birthday, when the name suddenly clicked. The high school junior girl who'd recently died in a car accident from nearly hitting a deer wasn't just any random faceless girl I didn't know—it was the girl who'd talked to me nearly every day for the school year prior.

K.J. 8 Apr 1990 - 18 Dec 2017

My first k-pop solo bias; though I loved SHINee and other groups prior, he was the first idol I fixated on as an individual. My obsession with k-pop completely altered the course of my life; in the same way, so did my love for him. My friends knew as well, and his outspoken interest in artistry and activism made me love him even more. I was devastated by the news of his suicide in 2017. Rest in peace, Jonghyun ♥

L.P. 29 Aug 1993 - 16 Oct 2024

A member of a band that means a lot to me, and that I continue wearing the pride of loving to this day. Though he wasn't my favorite, he was the favorite of every single friend of mine who was also into One Direction - a friend from high school, my college roommate, and a former friend, the latter two of whom I'd gotten into 1D by sheer exposure. I knew of his first audition in the X Factor, before the round with One Direction; I always thought him to be the best singer technically; my favorite ship with him was by far the most obscure one; and he, Niall, and Harry would've been in my year in school. I was dismayed at seeing where he as a person was going prior to his death, but still held onto the hope that he would get better, as all of us deserve. Rest in peace, Liam ♥

C.J. (S) 29 Mar 1994 - 14 Oct 2019

A k-pop solo bias obsession that hit me out of nowhere somewhere around 2014. f(x) has been my favorite girl group since getting into the genre, as of 2009, mostly for the music. I didn't feel that strongly about the members until I developed an attachment to Sulli, and her absence in the world continues to be an ache for me today. Rest in peace, Sulli ♥

爷爷 1930 - September 2020
婆婆 1940 - September 2020

My grandparents, ten years apart in age, and died within a week of each other. My grandmother, who was younger, passed away first. She had a lot of health issues that rendered her bedbound for most of my life, and was the health nut that turned my mother into a health nut that turned me into a pseudo health nut, on occasion. She knitted and crocheted me a handful of sweaters before. Since I wasn't great at understanding Chinese, she would shamelessly swear around me; my cousin was the one who told me she did, later.

After she passed, my grandpa died a week later. I would guess it was because he loved her so much, because he did. My grandpa was the best of us, really. He was formerly in the Chinese Navy (and a total babe), and helped my parents raise me in the US between the ages of 3-5, despite not knowing the language any more than the exposure to my parents and the pre-internet limited western culture in the 90s. He did tai-chi every day and was an excellent cook, which passed on to my mother and then my brother. Every time I visited, he would always make my favorites because of how much I liked them as a kid: tangyuan and tangcu paigu. His doctor had told him that he was healthy enough to see his grandkids, and I believe he could have, if not for the death of my grandmother.